How to Multitask So Hard That You’re Not Doing Anything at All
The art of thinking about that thing you've been meaning to do.
A few days ago I found myself on Tik Tok while actively watching a Youtube video at the same time. After I wrote that first sentence I decided it was the perfect time to do my 2023 taxes - they’re done now, yay! I guess you can say that my attention span has not been holding up well lately.
Anyway, back to my original thought. In this modern era it can be difficult to completely focus on a singular task. There are so many distractions that pull your attention away from your end goal that they end up making the task itself feel daunting. That is why I have discovered a clever system that allows you to take advantage of your short attention span by working on multiple tasks simultaneously in order to complete absolutely none of them.
Step 1: Define your goals.
It is important to identify what you want your final outcome to look like. What tasks are on your “to-do list” and how many can you try to squish into a completely unreasonable amount of time? Let’s start simple with three. For example let’s say you need to respond to a 5-day old text, fold the laundry that’s been sitting in your dryer, and make a return before that annoying 30-day window expires. Hey, while we’re at it - let’s add that painting project you’ve been meaning to finish. Now that was easy, goals are defined! These will be the four tasks that you need to but will not complete by the end of this helpful system.
Step 2: Start a fifth unrelated task.
Ugh those four tasks seem annoying to do. What if instead you dust the bookshelf? That sounds like a much better use of your time. You can also multitask and use this time to craft the perfect response to that text in your head. You do your best thinking when you’re dusting anyway. Ew, but dusting makes you sneeze! Stop dusting! Okay, a half-dusted bookshelf is better than nothing, you can leave it there.
Step 3: Work on the two easiest tasks first.
Responding to a text? Pfftt, you’ve already got the perfect response in your head from earlier! Folding laundry? Boring, but easy. Oh wait, the clothes are all wrinkled from being in the dryer for so long? No problem, put it through another cycle and they will be wrinkle-free! While the clothes are going through their extra drying time, you can send that text! What were you going to respond with again? It was perfect in your head earlier but now you can’t seem to remember what you were going to say.
Step 4: Add in a third task.
While you’re sorting out the right words in your head for that text and the laundry is still going, it seems like a good time to make that return! See, multitasking is so easy! Off to the store with item in-hand and you are finally about to get your first task completed! The joy of crossing something off a list is well worth the excruciating feeling of putting it off for far too long! Oh, the store is closed on Sundays. Well, that task was never getting done anyway.
Step 5: Re-evaluate tasks, as needed.
Okay so, the return is a no-go. You can still complete your other tasks! Responding to a text from someone who you love and admire should be the easiest thing in the world! It’s just a text, respond to it now! But, is it weird if you respond five days later? Will the person even remember they had texted you? Or are they mad at you for leaving them on read? Maybe continuing to ignore the text is actually the best course of action. Yeah, that sounds good. Ignore your loved ones!
Step 6: System complete, congratulations!
Wow, we never even thought about that painting project once. I guess four tasks really was too many. And that laundry is still in the dryer. And the text is still not responded to and unfortunately you will be paying for that item because you’re definitely missing that 30-day return window. Well, you’re only human! Life is hard but I hope the exciting journey of thinking about all of these tasks made you feel a little better.
Keep following for more fool-proof systems like How to Meal Prep by Buying an Overpriced Lunch Everyday and Dating for Dummies: Just Don’t Do It!